February 2025

For sensitivity and safety reasons, I’ve been advised against sharing too much about the story behind Iris—especially the darker aspects involving cult-like organisations, manipulation, and abuse. But more than the details, what matters is the journey. Iris is about reclaiming my voice and my truth. Writing, performing, and releasing this song has been part of that process.

Iris began as an improvised looping session for a performance where I knew someone from my past would be present. The moment I finished composing it, I felt a sense of relief—I was ready to face this person. When we crossed paths, they rolled their eyes at me and revealed their true colours. I laughed at the pettiness of it, but it also marked a small victory. I was no longer affected by them.

The real challenge, though, was learning to forgive—the adults who didn’t know how to protect me, the people who looked the other away when I needed them most. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I’ve come to accept that people have different boundaries and values. And that’s okay.

The Five Stages of Iris

1. Lost

My teenage and young adult years were marked by darkness—physical and mental abuse in spaces that should have been safe. Though I learned to be independent and adaptable early on, there was always a void in my heart, a need to belong.

Then, a community reached out, promising acceptance and love. It seemed too good to be true, and it was.

2. Found

That was how I ended up in my first band. What perceived as a creative endeavour turned out to be a recruitment effort for a cult. Fortunately, I didn’t fit the mould, and the band fell apart. But one of them remain my close friend—someone who left and found happiness on their own terms.

I found refuge in creative spaces and communities that embraced me for who I was. But as I found my voice, I also attracted people who preyed on my vulnerability, offering what I thought was love—only to use it as a tool for control.

3. Fleeting Peace

The void in me was still there, so I kept searching. I found a belief system that seemed to give me exactly what I needed—love, safety, a sense of purpose. For a while, I was content. But peace built on control is never real peace. Over time, the truth surfaced, and the masks began to slip.

4. Truth Exposed

When the pandemic hit, the illusion crumbled. Scandals exposed, and the manipulation I had endured became clear. What once felt like a source of comfort turned toxic. Doubt crept in, forcing me to question everything. To admit and accept that I had been deceived was painful, but it also set me free.

5. Liberation

Healing took years of deconstructing and slowly rebuilding myself. Iris was my way of confronting the challenge head-on and closing that chapter. I told myself, enough is enough.

At first, I thought this story could help others with similar experiences. But it was just as much about showing up for my past self.

survived.

Along with Iris, I created a Spotify playlist called survived., featuring songs by celebrities who have lived through traumatic experiences. Before this, I avoided songs like these because they were triggering. But I realised that they weren’t necessarily for survivors to find solace in–they were for those willing to listen, learn, understand, and hold space for difficult truths.

• I started the playlist right after Iris with FLETCHER’s I Believe You—because when someone shares their story, the first thing to do is believe them.
• Then, there’s Kesha’s Praying—“I hope your soul is changin’, changin’”—something I always wished for those who harmed me.
• Fiona Apple’s Sullen Girl—a reminder that we can be kind, grounded, and still survive even the hardest of times.
• Tori Amos’ Me and a Gun–perhaps the most powerful of them all, raw and unfiltered.
• Lady Gaga’s Til It Happens To You–explosive, unapologetic, and full of defiance.
• Billie Eilish’s Your Power–a “girl’s girl”‘s perspective. A call to accountability in power dynamics.
• Halsey’s You Should Be Sad–a tinge of rebellion and resilience.
• Ending with Florence + The Machine’s Shake It Out on an empowering note.

Thank you for listening to Iris and for standing with me on this journey. May we continue working towards a safer, more loving world for all.

If you enjoyed the song, feel free to purchase it on Bandcamp.

Or add it to your playlist on Spotify

Thank you. Your support means a lot.

Iris’ lyrics.